Hi.
I own the car you tried to steal last week. Yeah, the blue Honda. That was the first car I ever bought, I spent months looking for the PERFECT car. That one you tried to steal? That was my perfect car.
I hope you didn't cut yourself when you smashed my window in. It looks like the tinting kept most of the glass from splashing everywhere. Except the seat. I also hope it wasn't too difficult for you to remove the steering column cover. I had a hell of a time trying to get it off when I installed my stereo wiring. Looks like you did okay though.
But tell me something, I really am curious: How long did you spend trying to hotwire my ignition before you realized the battery was dead?
Signed,
McManjammas
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Embrace the Pink
Last week I was in the gym and I saw something horrifying. There was a petite middle aged woman lifting more than 35 pounds! Doesn't she know what she's doing to herself? Doesn't she know that if she keeps doing that she'll get too huge?
Tonia has dedicated her life to ensuring other young women don't make the same mistake that she did. She is now on a strict workout routine of no weights & 3 hours of cardio, 5 days per week. She hopes to get back to her previous figure within the next few years.
Take for example a good friend of mine, Tonia. Tonia was a very striking young woman, she had a great gym routine using the pink 5 pound dumbbells. She did super-high rep workouts, spent hours on the treadmill, and kept herself in great shape.
That is, until a personal trainer recommended to her she upgrade to the massive 10-pounders (which by the way, aren't even pink). A week later she had nearly exploded.
She woke up one morning and to her absolute horror had transformed into a huge muscle-bound behemoth.
Tonia has dedicated her life to ensuring other young women don't make the same mistake that she did. She is now on a strict workout routine of no weights & 3 hours of cardio, 5 days per week. She hopes to get back to her previous figure within the next few years.
I hope some of this is sinking in.
If that's not enough to convince you gym-bound ladies to STAY AWAY from heavy weights, let me show you another very close friend of mine. Sandy had a great routine of 4 days cardio, 1 day resistance bands. Until of course, a mischievous personal trainer, up to no good, coaxed her into using the bench press. Just two weeks later, Sandy found herself in a very awkward position.
I'm sure you know where this is going.
Sandy is now on a very strict diet, attempting get back to her previous figure. She has completely sworn off the gym and all exercise. When she gets back to her normal size, which could take several years, she plans to stay in shape by dieting.
Thanks to heavy weights, these women have had their lives nearly ruined. Next time a snarky personal trainer tries to get you off of the pink dumbbells, just say NO.
-McManjammas
Okay, so I don't really know these amazing women. Though I certainly wouldn't mind meeting them. They are all beautiful and two of the above have worked very, very hard to get where they are at. Female bodybuilders are definatly the hardest working members in the gym. Most cannot get to where they are at without a lifetime of dedicated, hard work & countless hours in the gym.
If my sarcasm hasn't made this clear enough for you, my point is you won't get too big! I cannot count the amount of women that have used the same excuse of "I don't want to get too big." Trust me, ladies, you will not. Women, by nature, are not meant to carry large muscles. Even if you spend countless hours in the gym, lift as heavy as you can and eat like an animal, you're not going to wake up one morning, stumble to the vanity mirror, only to find you're a rhinoceros.
Trust me.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Sorry Hammer, It's Gym Time!
"I just don't like going to the gym"
These were the words a friend recently said to me. We were talking about the benefits of staying in shape and how to do so. At the time I responded with something dismissive, like "Yeah, it's not for everyone". Of course, that's not quite what I was thinking.
As I was heading home that night I got to thinking about it and realized that I too, don't like going to the gym! Ok, not really. I've always known that. As a matter of fact, I hate going to the gym. Four days per week I get up at 4:30 in the morning. I crawl out of bed, careful not to wake my partner. About that time I realize I don't have a partner and then I'm reminded of just how pathetic and lonely I am.
After falling out of bed, I zombie my way over to the kitchen to pour myself a bowl of tasteless gruel. When I'm done choking that down I get in my car and drive 10 minutes to the gym in a vehicle that takes 20 minutes to warm up.
Freezing, lonely and and still half-zombie I enter and get to pretend I'm a hamster in a wheel and get on the treadmill to run my furry little tail off. Tail-removed, I'm ready to go repeatedly lift a bunch of heavy stuff for an hour.
As soon as I finish there I'll drive home, frantically get ready for work and begin the rest of my day where yours is just starting. What part of that do people think they're supposed to like?
Why do we do it? Why do we torture ourselves like this? Leave a comment with your reason. When enough of you have replied to me with your personal reason for staying fit (or getting there!) I'll do a special post and award the best response. Let me start off with my personal reason:
Your turn. :)
These were the words a friend recently said to me. We were talking about the benefits of staying in shape and how to do so. At the time I responded with something dismissive, like "Yeah, it's not for everyone". Of course, that's not quite what I was thinking.
As I was heading home that night I got to thinking about it and realized that I too, don't like going to the gym! Ok, not really. I've always known that. As a matter of fact, I hate going to the gym. Four days per week I get up at 4:30 in the morning. I crawl out of bed, careful not to wake my partner. About that time I realize I don't have a partner and then I'm reminded of just how pathetic and lonely I am.
After falling out of bed, I zombie my way over to the kitchen to pour myself a bowl of tasteless gruel. When I'm done choking that down I get in my car and drive 10 minutes to the gym in a vehicle that takes 20 minutes to warm up.
Freezing, lonely and and still half-zombie I enter and get to pretend I'm a hamster in a wheel and get on the treadmill to run my furry little tail off. Tail-removed, I'm ready to go repeatedly lift a bunch of heavy stuff for an hour.
As soon as I finish there I'll drive home, frantically get ready for work and begin the rest of my day where yours is just starting. What part of that do people think they're supposed to like?
Why do we do it? Why do we torture ourselves like this? Leave a comment with your reason. When enough of you have replied to me with your personal reason for staying fit (or getting there!) I'll do a special post and award the best response. Let me start off with my personal reason:
Your turn. :)Monday, December 17, 2007
Oh, the things we do...
Why is it we seem so convinced that staying fit is a complicated, scientific procedure? We measure every calorie, we do crazy exercises on giant air-filled balls and swallow weight loss pills that cause us to have all sorts of (usually gastrointestinal) side effects. Today's post is dedicated to 'Fitness Funniness'.
Disclaimer: I don't recommend any of this crap, and my definition of 'funny' is sometimes synonymous with 'horrifying'.
Funniest Pill
Alli works by refusing your body the ability to process fat. I have two issues with this. Number one is that your body needs fat. No, not the blubbery muffin top kind, but the kind in peanut butter. The second issue I have is more, well, aesthetic. Because your body doesn't process fat, it just slides through your insides until it reaches your colon. At this point the fat is still completely unprocessed and in it's original brown, oily form. Because humans aren't airtight & ziplock sealed, the fat is easily expelled from your colon. Usually without your knowledge.
Meaning: Buy extra underwear and stay away from the whitey-tighties. I recommend these.
Here's a direct quote from the Alli website:
Funniest Machine
The iJoy is probably the funniest contraption I've come across yet. Their website claims you "Just hop on, sit back, balance and have fun riding". The idea of bucking/wobbling, motorized chairs is hardly new, but the detail that won this machine it's award is it's name. The iJoy. What part of working out is "Joyful"?
I think this machine is targeting lonely housewives and curious sorority girls, not the fitness crowd. I'd hardly expect to see a barbell bench named "The Joybench" (and if I did I'd probably be expecting a whole lot more than a good workout)
Funniest Exercise
While new exercises are 'invented' nearly every day by either very creative individuals or gym-tards, this one really stands out. I'm going to simply leave you to watching the video, and keep the commentary short. (Note: I was going to say this was "Safe For Work" (SFW) but I think this really depends on where you work.)
Funniest Diet
This one is so absurd I'll just give you an excerpt from the book:
"The basics of the Nietzschean regimen are simple," Hollingdale wrote in the book's foreword. "The dieter exercises a painful amount of self-honesty in order to identify the primary object of his or her deepest human dread as personified by a wide-ranging group of foodstuffs. Once the dieter's Fear has been identified, he eats that food exclusively, in unlimited amounts, until the food no longer appetizes or frightens him. Having completed his gorge and transcended his fear, the dieter fasts for 20 days on water and Simple Salad. The dieter also engages in moderate metaphysical exercise, drinks eight brimming bowls of water every day, and 'opens the Gates of Dread and Fiber that remain closed to him in his Mundane Life' by taking fiber supplements."
Disclaimer: I don't recommend any of this crap, and my definition of 'funny' is sometimes synonymous with 'horrifying'.
Funniest Pill
Alli works by refusing your body the ability to process fat. I have two issues with this. Number one is that your body needs fat. No, not the blubbery muffin top kind, but the kind in peanut butter. The second issue I have is more, well, aesthetic. Because your body doesn't process fat, it just slides through your insides until it reaches your colon. At this point the fat is still completely unprocessed and in it's original brown, oily form. Because humans aren't airtight & ziplock sealed, the fat is easily expelled from your colon. Usually without your knowledge.Meaning: Buy extra underwear and stay away from the whitey-tighties. I recommend these.
Here's a direct quote from the Alli website:
"You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work "
Funniest Machine
The iJoy is probably the funniest contraption I've come across yet. Their website claims you "Just hop on, sit back, balance and have fun riding". The idea of bucking/wobbling, motorized chairs is hardly new, but the detail that won this machine it's award is it's name. The iJoy. What part of working out is "Joyful"?I think this machine is targeting lonely housewives and curious sorority girls, not the fitness crowd. I'd hardly expect to see a barbell bench named "The Joybench" (and if I did I'd probably be expecting a whole lot more than a good workout)
Funniest Exercise
While new exercises are 'invented' nearly every day by either very creative individuals or gym-tards, this one really stands out. I'm going to simply leave you to watching the video, and keep the commentary short. (Note: I was going to say this was "Safe For Work" (SFW) but I think this really depends on where you work.)
Funniest Diet
This one is so absurd I'll just give you an excerpt from the book:
"The basics of the Nietzschean regimen are simple," Hollingdale wrote in the book's foreword. "The dieter exercises a painful amount of self-honesty in order to identify the primary object of his or her deepest human dread as personified by a wide-ranging group of foodstuffs. Once the dieter's Fear has been identified, he eats that food exclusively, in unlimited amounts, until the food no longer appetizes or frightens him. Having completed his gorge and transcended his fear, the dieter fasts for 20 days on water and Simple Salad. The dieter also engages in moderate metaphysical exercise, drinks eight brimming bowls of water every day, and 'opens the Gates of Dread and Fiber that remain closed to him in his Mundane Life' by taking fiber supplements."Thursday, December 13, 2007
Hey! These weights are heavy!
After a 6 month tour in a YMCA I decided to step it up a bit and join a "real" gym. Whatever that means. Let me give you a little tour.
As we enter...
Brent: "Hi McManjammas"
That's Brent. He owns the gym and seems to be here all the time. What's that? He's overweight? I just said he was here, not that he actually worked out. Brent remembers everyone's name, everyone's.
Let's move over to the cardio section. This is the 4:30 crowd. The 4:30am crowd. We've all gotten into the habit of doing our cardio first thing. Nothing much to see here. Let's move over to the freeweights. See the guy in the Hawaiian shirt and the cabana boy look? He's the one on the decline bench press. That's all he does here. Well, that and the pec fly machine. I'm not sure what his physical goals are, but I'm pretty sure it involves his chest.
Now turn around and look over to the cable machine, see the 60-something guy doing his workouts in super-high-speed? I'm not sure who told him to do all of his excersizes with light weight and as fast as possible, but he sure took that advice. I call him hair flop. This is due to the way his back-to-front combover flops wildly about during superspeed hyperextensions.
Come on over this way--oh but watch out for grunty, I call him that bec--well, I'm sure you get it. Before we get to the squat rack let's turn and look back to the entrance. See the guy talking to Brent that looks pissed off? He always looks that way. Mr. AngryFace spends most of his gym time talking to Brent and looking angry. Don't let that fool you, he's actually pretty nice.
Look's like hair flop is over at the Smith Machine. I think he's doing squats, but I'm not sure. I've never seen them done quite like that. He loads the bar up, gets his shoulders under it, then moves his feet as far as possible away. Then proceeds to "squat". I call it the "Junkie Squat" Because I think this excersize is supposed to mangle your back so badly that you can get a prescription for heavy painkillers.
I know I'm not the only gym-goer with a blog that's written about gym stereotypes, but I'll bet I'm the only that's included himself:
Me? I'm the bashful peacock. I'm the guy that silently does all of his workouts, talking to other people as little as possible. Every chance I get I'll subtly sneak a quick peak at myself in the mirror and admire my "gains", hoping nobody notices.
As we enter...
Brent: "Hi McManjammas"
That's Brent. He owns the gym and seems to be here all the time. What's that? He's overweight? I just said he was here, not that he actually worked out. Brent remembers everyone's name, everyone's.
Let's move over to the cardio section. This is the 4:30 crowd. The 4:30am crowd. We've all gotten into the habit of doing our cardio first thing. Nothing much to see here. Let's move over to the freeweights. See the guy in the Hawaiian shirt and the cabana boy look? He's the one on the decline bench press. That's all he does here. Well, that and the pec fly machine. I'm not sure what his physical goals are, but I'm pretty sure it involves his chest.
Now turn around and look over to the cable machine, see the 60-something guy doing his workouts in super-high-speed? I'm not sure who told him to do all of his excersizes with light weight and as fast as possible, but he sure took that advice. I call him hair flop. This is due to the way his back-to-front combover flops wildly about during superspeed hyperextensions.
Come on over this way--oh but watch out for grunty, I call him that bec--well, I'm sure you get it. Before we get to the squat rack let's turn and look back to the entrance. See the guy talking to Brent that looks pissed off? He always looks that way. Mr. AngryFace spends most of his gym time talking to Brent and looking angry. Don't let that fool you, he's actually pretty nice.
Look's like hair flop is over at the Smith Machine. I think he's doing squats, but I'm not sure. I've never seen them done quite like that. He loads the bar up, gets his shoulders under it, then moves his feet as far as possible away. Then proceeds to "squat". I call it the "Junkie Squat" Because I think this excersize is supposed to mangle your back so badly that you can get a prescription for heavy painkillers.
I know I'm not the only gym-goer with a blog that's written about gym stereotypes, but I'll bet I'm the only that's included himself:
Me? I'm the bashful peacock. I'm the guy that silently does all of his workouts, talking to other people as little as possible. Every chance I get I'll subtly sneak a quick peak at myself in the mirror and admire my "gains", hoping nobody notices.
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